Business Improvement Survey

The answers to this survey will help us to fine tune aspects of our daily business to improve relations between employee and consumer. THANKS for taking the time to complete it!

1. Pick the least comfortable seat:
A. Cactus
B. Toilet plunger
C. Broken lightbulbs on a tarp
D. Hot coals
E. “None of the above are as bad as _________.”

2. Pick the worst waiting room music:
A. Aggressive Classical
B. A recording of Kenny G’s world record Eb
C. Thrash puke with gurgling
D. Pop hits of the 1970s remixed into instrumental muzak
E. “None of the above are as grating as _________.”

3. How many continents away is “too far” for a customer service call center?
A. 1
B. 3
C. 5
D. 7
E. “Antarctica doesn’t really bother me… Maybe the moon?”

4. How long will you stay on hold, without hanging up?
A. 12 minutes
B. 1/2 hour
C. 2 hours
D. 4 days
E. “Naw- I’d stick it out for _______ (circle one: days weeks months years).”

5. What type of worker is hardest to deal with as a customer?
A. Angry drunk
B. Boundariless exhibitionist
C. Inappropriate joker
D. 7 21/2 year olds
E. “Nope, I’m a people person-Well… Except for --________.”

6. How much of a physical threat does it require for you to empty your wallet?
A. A knife
B. A handful of ninjas
C. A cannon
D. A pack of rabid Boston Terrier attack dogs
E. “I only have one secret fear, and it’s __________."

7. How far can a company go without losing your trust?
A. Stealing
B. The above + Sexual harassment
C. The above + Confidential records publishing
D. The above+ Rape/Murder/Soul Plundering
E. “After I pick a brand, I stick with it.”

8. Which of the following items would be the perk most likely to increase sales?
A. Penny candy
B. A balloon
C. An “MS Publisher” made gift card
D. A 1/2 cent discount
E. “Probably ______ (please keep all suggestions under ¢.05)”

9. How dirty is too dirty?
A. 1 Rat
B. 5 Rats
C. 5 Rats in their traps
D. 72 Rats, Some in traps, others agitated
E. “I’m just a rat person… But nests of _______ disgust me!”

10. Select the most appropriate waiting room wall-hanging:
A. Poster sized blown-up images of unconstitutional torture
B. Poster sized blown-up images of consensual bestiality in clown makeup (all participants painted in family friendly colors)
C. Blow-up dolls on nooses
D. Pornography school degrees in “fluffing” featuring inflatable phalluses
E. Pictures of kittens (down range on the artillery killing-field)

11. How many illegal aliens would you observe working on-site before reporting it?
A. 17
B. 43
C. 89
D. If all the employees are
E. “I’m a racist. This question totally depends on what kind we’re talking…”

12. When you go to appointments, approximately how much value are you generally carrying?
A. One fancy watch (gold, silver, platinum)
B. The above + My wallet generally has $100s
C. The above + The keys to my sports car
D. The above + I have gold crowns on my teeth
E. The above + “I also hide valuables in my ______ cavity!”

13. When you go to appointments, generally ________ people know about it:
A. No one knows
B. One person knows
C. More than two people know, but most are out of state
D. Lots of people know, but I don’t think they care…
E. “ The fact of it is, only ______ people would go to the police if I didn’t show up for a couple of weeks.”

14. Which of these substances do you think would encourage you to buy more & submit without question?
A. Alcohol
B. Mushroom tea
C. Rohypnol
D. Cocaine
E. Random diffusible poison

15. What signage would best get you “in the door”?
A. “Free Raccoon-skin caps”
B. “Sample our new, cancer-curing popsicles”
C. “FREE money/drugs/love-lust”
D. “Fun here!”
E. how about, “_______________”?

16. If some company were to write a survey in order to further exploit their customers & employees, You:
A. “Wouldn’t notice”
B. “Does that even happen?”
C. “I’m not sure I’d figure it out before the last question…”
D. “I’d fill it out to ‘do my part’.”
E. “__________________________”